I used to believe I had failed my children because they didn’t know how to use their voices. But the truth is, I couldn’t teach them what I didn’t have myself. I wasn’t silencing them—I was surviving in a system that had silenced me.
I remember sitting at the kitchen table, trying to explain how much I was struggling. I wanted to say, “I can’t do this alone. I need help.” But before the words could even land, I was met with dismissal: “You’re overreacting. You’ll be fine.”
So I swallowed my truth. I smiled, nodded, and told myself I’d be okay. Inside, though, I felt smaller and smaller. That’s what silencing does—it teaches you that your needs are inconvenient, your feelings are exaggerated, and your voice is dangerous.
Patterns of Silencing
Silencing doesn’t always look like shouting someone down. It often comes in quieter, more insidious forms:
- Dismissal: “You’re too sensitive.”
- Silent treatment: Withholding connection as punishment.
- Isolation: Cutting someone off from allies or support.
- Triangulation: Turning family members against each other so no one feels safe to speak.
- Gaslighting: “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”
- Over-control: Dictating what can or cannot be said, even in subtle ways.
These patterns don’t just silence one person—they ripple through generations.
Reframing for My Children
I see now that my children’s struggle to find their voices wasn’t because I silenced them. It was because I had no voice of my own to model. I was still learning how to speak truth without fear, how to set boundaries without shame, how to exist without apology.
Someday, I believe they will recognize these patterns for what they are. They will see that silence can be survival, but it doesn’t have to be destiny.
I am no longer ashamed of not having had a voice. My silence was not cruelty—it was survival. My hope is that my children, and anyone reading this, will learn to recognize the many faces of silencing and choose instead to honor their own voices. Because once you find your voice, you can never un-hear it.
Take a moment to sit with these questions:
- When have you felt your voice dismissed, minimized, or ignored?
- What forms of silencing have you experienced—dismissal, silent treatment, isolation, or something else?
- How did you respond in that moment—did you shrink back, stay silent, or push harder to be heard?
- What would it look like to honor your voice now, even if it wasn’t honored then?
- If you are a parent, mentor, or leader, how can you model voice and listening differently for those who look up to you?
“My hope is that as you reflect, you’ll begin to see that your voice matters. It always has. Recognizing the patterns of silencing is the first step toward breaking them—for yourself, and for the generations who come after you.”
If this story resonates with you, I invite you to pause and reflect: Where have you seen silencing patterns in your own life? How have they shaped your ability to speak, to be heard, or to listen?
Share your reflections in the comments, or take a few minutes to journal privately. By naming these patterns, we begin to loosen their grip. By sharing our voices, we remind each other that silence is not destiny.
Disclaimer This post reflects my personal experience and perspective. It is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. If you are struggling with family dynamics or emotional pain, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional for support.
Learn More
Shifting Out of Self-Silencing to Reclaim Your Voice – The Better You Institute
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