Can you orchestrate a life? Decide the when and the where, painting a future brimming with adventures tucked into every sunrise and stories woven into every sunset.
“Money isn’t everything; live your life to the fullest.” What alchemy transforms our mindsets? From one generation to the next, priorities bloom and fade, lessons learned and unlearned. Daily, I pen these reflections to unearth hidden corners of my heart, hoping kindred spirits might find themselves here.
I study the wisdom of the Native peoples, those who once walked these lands before the rest arrived. They taught balance and respect, tending the earth and their souls in harmony with nature’s quiet song.
I yearn to journey there, to step into a world shaped by communal knowledge, a world nourished by the wild fruits of Mother Earth.
I know those times were not simple. Yet I sense a lost knowledge, precious ingredients scattered in a society that often feels isolated, lonely, and adrift.
A message I read struck me deeply: “To the generation who doesn’t owe anybody anything—yes you do: gratitude to those who showed up, respect to those you disrespected, an apology to those you hurt. This isn’t strength; it is maturity.” The words moved me to tears, a reminder of what once mattered most.
The most important thing I ever did was be a mother, and now I grieve its disappearance from my oldest daughter’s life—and from the life of my granddaughter. I raised my children with intent, integrity, and honor. I cheered at Girl Scout meetings, field trips, and sports practices, learning the delicate dance between guiding them and letting them fly.
I cannot return to that time, and I mourn the lessons I missed—especially the lesson of myself. I longed for the taste of unconditional love, unaware that untangling generations of pain might mean losing the sweetness along with the hurt.
I carry the weight of lost moments:
- Sunday mornings with grandma
- Laughter at family gatherings
- Quiet support in times of need
- Friendships unspoken
- Opportunities never seized
As I grow, I see how my ADHD, and its silent companion Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, shaped my responses. I wish I could revisit that life armed with understanding, to find grace in each moment.
White Buffalo Calf Woman’s Teaching (Lakota Sioux)
White Buffalo Calf Woman came to the people carrying the sacred pipe. As she unwrapped it, she reminded the women:
“You are from Mother Earth. What you are doing is as great as what the warriors do.”
In her lesson:
Mothers and grandmothers are the givers of sacred life, just as the earth nourishes all beings.
Family is the heart of the sacred hoop—without a mother’s love and guidance, the circle cannot hold.
I once believed in big, happy families—the same ones that once cradled me—and I dreamed of being the grandmother I adored.
Words fail to capture the ache in my heart. I am more than excluded; I am erased, one small gesture at a time.
I will step back through your open door when it’s safe to love again. Until then, I carry both hope and sorrow, mourning the deep, meaningful bond I thought would be.
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