Im going to turn off facebook for a while. I thought that coming here and writing would help sooth my weary sole as I am trying to figure this all out….. and it has in a way.

Your love and support has inspired me, to do what I am not sure.

I thought if I told everyone at the same time what I was doing than I wouldn’t have to admit that I didn’t know what I was doing.

I feel guilty that because of this loss of direction, I haven’t been able to be there for friends and family the way that I want to be. The death of a life partner, cancer, the loss of your home, divorce, a broken judicial system, all seem so much more important than the loss of a direction.

Until I figure out what direction I am going in, I can not be a beacon to those around me. Where am I going….. I have to start by doing the dishes and washing my face. Yes, it is that kind of despair.

Putting myself out there has also made me vulnerable at a time that I am trying to find strength instead of fractures.

There are many people who think they are helping, and to my despair it is only making my situation worse. On the contrary there are many more who are trying to help and are actually helping. I can not figure out how to drown the negative voices and listen to the positive voices.

I have this strange desire to right the wrongs of this world. Through experience, I have learned that writing the wrongs of the world through Facebook posts is a bad idea.

So, to the person who thinks that I ruined Easter Celebrations because I didn’t come through with homemade rolls and cheesecake because I wasn’t able to follow through, I’m sorry that I let you down, but I thought it was more important to be there for my daughter in her time of need, yes, the timing was very bad.

To the person who asked me if I could just fix everything that is going awry, I would if I could. Ive spent the last two years trying to figure out how. When the conversation went through, it isn’t that hard to take care of a bear. You just need to suck it up and get it done (been there, done that). You just need to find a new location (tried that). To well, you just need to apologise, because it is obviously something you did wrong (yes, it is my fault that the building that has housed my family business for a very long time was not properly maintained and now the foundation is failing). I really would fix it if I could figure out how.

To the person that told me it would have been ok, if I had only done it differently. I din’t know that the love and support of family was dependent on doing it their way. I did try to call. I did try to invite you to dinner. I did ask you to help me. The love of a parent should not be dependent on whether I did it right or not. Being a workaholic and an overachiever is a direct result of trying to find unconditional acceptance from a parental figure. Bringing to attention on a public forum is totally not ok. I know, but accepting the fact that I have been searching for acceptance and approval from the same people my whole entire life to be continually reminded that I didn’t do it right is overwhelming. I know that I didn’t do it the same way that you may have done it. I know that I have not done it the same way you did it. That is ok. That is what makes me unique. Someday, I will accept the fact that I don’t need your acceptance or your approval. I did miss filling out a piece of paper for the county. I apologize that it was an inconvenience for you, I don’t think you love and support should be dependent on such factors.

To the people who have loved me, supported me, and accepted me just because I am me…. I will be there for you. I will be there for the celebration of life of your dear husband. I will be there for your wedding. I will be there to help with whatever you need after your surgery. I will be there for you while you are fighting cancer. I will be there for you while you navigate a broken legal system. I will be there for you while you are trying to figure out separations and divorce. I won’t apologize for it. It may take a little longer to figure out what I am doing about my business. It may take a little longer to figure it out for you to get a homemade cheesecake, but I do believe that the universe will figure it out.

I will no longer spend my life making decisions hoping that I can win the approval of a few select people. If you were going to love me or accept me, it would have happened in my childhood and not in my 50’s.

To the person who said that they couldn’t be around me because I’m a quitter…… I haven’t quit, I’ve just begun.

To those who want to help. I need help. Come pull me off of the couch. Tell me to pull my shit together. Tell me to do the dishes. Give me a hug and tell me it is going to be ok.

Stop letting me make excuses, and as my dear friends have already said, start taking one step in-front of the other. …… “girl, Wash your face!”

I worked so hard so that just once I could hear you say…. I am proud of you. I’m not going to be proud of myself until I realize that it doesn’t matter if you are proud of me or not. There are so many people who are proud of me and look to me for inspiration and hope.